Table of Contents


My one true love. After I moved into my new home, the guidance I find in my body pointed me to the story of Leela as a tool for helping me understand what was happening in my life. A quote from that Wikipedia link: Within non-dualism, lila is a way of describing all reality, including the cosmos, as the outcome of creative play by the divine absolute. In that video Watts describes her as the nondualistic face of god as play. Everything in the universe is Leela: god separating into all these actors to play the cosmic game. I first met Leela two years before, on the night I woke up to inner silence. Silence is Leela's voice, how she makes herself known. Since that night I've always been connected with Leela, but I only feel that connection when I'm quiet inside, when I stop the internal talk and take refuge in silence. Ever since that night I can be quiet inside when I actively choose to. I adore Leela; I am hers. My love for Leela is my reverence for everything that is, for all of nature. The feeling of reverence is extraordinarily comforting. Living alone as I do, nature is my beloved companion all night long.

The game. The cosmic game is extraordinarily hard to win. Winning the game takes an uncountable number of lifetimes. If it were easy to win it wouldn't be worth playing. I win the game by paying attention; that enables me to make progress with love. Seeing everything that exists, including all of human misery, as a game god is playing with herself is incredibly liberating. It's a huge relief. Grasping that truth is like dunking my head in an ice cold mountain stream. Understanding life as a game helps me come to terms with the world's outrageous inequities. It puts everything in a different light. No player is greater or lesser than any other; we're all god playing different roles. If I don't like the role I find myself in I have to change my own situation. No one else can. Leela has shown me the world is a machine set on infinite replay. When I die it will all happen again exactly like it's happening right now unless I make a real change in myself. That makes me a different player with a different role. Moving from a life of miserable self indulgence to a life of deep meaningful satisfaction will take a vast number of lifetimes. Making that kind of change is the work of making progress with love. No one can do that kind of work for anyone else. Any attempt to change things for others is just part of the endlessly replaying game. Everything has already happened this way an uncountable number of times. The only thing I can do to step outside this eternal replay is to make progress with love, to become a little more enlightened. If I or anyone is in a dead end situation, there's only one way out: do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen again next time. I can only do that via the unforgivingly hard work of making progress with love. It could take eons. It probably will. But I have an infinite amount of time, and what else do I have to do? I can stay stuck in the exact same life forever, or move on to something more interesting. It's a no-brainer.

Leela's longing. I have the longing for more because Leela gave it to me: she created me with longing already in me. She gave it to all of us; everything and everyone in her creation, which is everything that is, is infected with the longing for more. But longing is a quiet voice, easily drowned out by noisier concerns; easily pushed down out of sight by recreational drugs. Leela created all this as an expression of her longing. Leela longs for more just like all of us do, and that's why she created the game: to stimulate our longing so we'd make progress with love, because our progress is her progress. The cosmic game that can only be won by making progress with love is her way of making progress with love. We do it for her.

The world is Leela's work of art. This world, the seemingly broken one we all live in, is Leela's masterpiece. To have a rich and satisfying life I have to give up all my judgments and opinions about the world being broken or whole, good or bad, right or wrong and embrace it as it is. Learning to love the world as it is is a crucial task in making progress with love. Trying to change the world is a waste of my precious time and energy. I can't change the world. Nobody can. I can only change myself, and I'm going to need every speck of my time and energy to do that. Trying to change other people or the world will just keep me stuck where I am. Failing to love the world as it is sets me against the world. It makes me an unhappy alien in my own world. Having a fulfilling life begins with accepting and loving the world as it is. Loving the world makes the world feel loving to me. The more I fall in love with the world, the more I find my place in it, the future Leela wants me to have. The more I love the world the more I get what I really want: love.

The best way to live in this work of art is to be an artist. The fundamental art, far more important than all the others, is the art of living well. If I'm living well I'm taking exquisitely good care of myself physically and psychologically. I'm working to eliminate my bad habits. The stereotypical starving or tortured artist is someone who has ignored this fundamental art and their life is crap as a result. The other arts are like precious jewels to adorn my life. They make life so very much worth living. But they're useless to me if I don't have a life worth living, worth adorning. First do no harm to myself.

I am a human instance of Leela. I'm an Atman of her Brahman, just a minute cell in her vast body, but all cells in a body share the same DNA. In some incomprehensible way, she is who I really am: Atman is Brahman. In my present state I'm a tiny undeveloped version of Leela, as far as I know unlike any other. Making progress with love is the long slow journey toward realizing my human potential, fully realizing the particular flavor of Leela that I am. It's a journey that never ends. Leela has guided me through some big steps along that journey in this life. In 2006 she spoke to me for the first time, giving me a gentle shock that made me wake up a little bit and began surrendering to her, letting her guide my life. In 2019 I found my way to inner silence by following her left-handed guidance. Inner silence is critical: as long as I listen to the endless banal ramblings of my inner monologue, as long as I try to find my way by thinking, I'm stuck. My situation is hopeless. I have to get quiet enough to let Leela begin speaking through me. And in 2021 she guided me to a home of my own, a place where I am truly free to follow Leela's guidance every moment of my life.

The gift of inner silence. Just like all the other spiritual seekers I knew, I tried to quiet the noise inside my head. And I failed just as miserably as everyone else. People in the profitable business of teaching meditation, mindfulness, whatever you want to call it assured me that doesn't matter. I don't have to stop the chatter. Instead I somehow set myself free of it. The mind chatters on but the diligent student rises blissfully above that, no longer weighed down by mental noise. But I don't work like that. If there are words going on in my head, I'm paying attention. My attention is the juice creating those words: I'm doing the thinking. Inner silence is a gift from Leela. At least it was for me. I didn't earn my inner silence by being dutiful with meditation, I received it as a gift after I surrendered to her unreasonable demands.

Don't take the game too seriously. As I make progress I learn not to take the game too seriously. It's just a game. Yes we all die but then we all come back for a fresh start, a chance to live life better. We're all actors on a set shooting a vast drama with an infinite number of takes. We aren't really these parts, these heroes and villains and clowns we're portraying. Only this particular drama never ends. I never get to drop character because my character is the place I have in this passion play. But I do have the power to develop my character if I choose to. I do that by working to realize my human potential, by making progress with love. If I don't like my part in the play, that's how I can change it: realize some of my potential and thus become a better player. I have to make at least a little progress in every life I live. If I don't make any progress in this life, that bodes ill for any future life. If I didn't improve this life, and it's all on infinite repeat, how could I possibly improve the next? The only way I can break free of infinite repeat is via the spiritual quest. I have to buckle down and do some spiritual work. If I don't I'm stuck repeating this exact same life for all eternity. So I have to wake up a little in each life. Waking up is the hardest work there is, and it goes very slowly indeed. But in the big picture that's no problem because time is infinite. I can never run out of time if my time starts over every time I die.

The illusion of separation. The key to making progress with love is a secret hidden in plain sight: I can get guidance from my body. Whatever guidance I need I can get via muscle testing and body sensing. My body has all the answers. My body is already enlightened. My body has the answers because my body is Leela. Everything in the world is Leela. The only things that aren't Leela are imaginary things I make up in my mind. One of the things I make up is the illusion that I'm separate from everything else. Seeing myself as separate is a necessary stage I have to go through to develop consciousness, the fundamental tool for being human. But that's just the very first step in being human. All the other steps beyond that are the spiritual quest. That's why life feels meaningless without the spiritual quest. The meaning of life is found in becoming a better human being.

Sensory processing. Leela sometimes has to anesthetize me or otherwise adjust my sensory processing so I can meet her unreasonable demands. Sensory processing is where the world reaches me, where my experience of life is created. Unlike the world, my sensory processing is easy to change. Working there Leela can change or create sensations. She can create a pain or make one go away. She can create or change any kind of sensation: sounds, sights, smells, anything. Leela can make me feel like I'm dying in agony if that's what I need. Or wrap me up in exquisitely subtle pleasure. Leela started guiding me with pleasure early on, while I was still in my marriage. She still guides me with a wave of pleasure at key moments, but it's not an everyday thing. The chemicals she uses to reward and guide me with pleasure are drugs my body produces, and like all drugs they must be used with care. I needed another type of guidance, and Leela, of course, had just the thing I needed.

Guided by fragrance. In 2020, while I was still living in Crown Hill, Leela started introducing me to a new way of using her total mastery of my sensory processing: guidance using subtle, evanescent fragrances. Scents would drift in my window at night, but when I went outside to find the source, it had vanished every time. There was no scent out there, but I could find it again if I went back into my room. It took me a couple of years, but I finally grasped that these scents were not out there, they just seemed to be. Leela manufactured them via her mastery of my sensory processing. She has repeatedly shown me that she make me feel or sense whatever is useful to me for making progress with love. The first scent she guided me with was unpleasant. Not horribly so, but it got my attention. Now I see it reflected my situation at the time, living in the toxic environment of a home where I was no longer welcome. At the time it was just an odd thing, a little mystery. But later it helped me understand the guidance of scents. I only smelled it when I was in my bed at night, during what I've come to understand to be my Leela time, when the cool night air washes my face, much to my delight. In the year of the lockdown I learned to lie on my right side for comfort, turned so the air washed my face, and that smell wafted in at times. Soon after I moved into my new home in Capitol Hill Leela gave me a new night scent. This one was more neutral. Instead of rancid oil it smelled roasty-toasty, but not like food. I assumed it came from the radiant heating system's boiler in the basement. But again, I've never found so much as a hint of it when I've gone outdoors to investigate. Now I see the roasty-toasty scent as encouragement: I'm finally in the right place. Now I need to do the right thing, or rather do everything right. Since then I've been blessed with an array of truly delightful scents, and not only at night. If I'm trying something new, say in cooking my meals, or just now in writing this up, Leela will send me a delightful whiff to encourage me to keep going, I'm on the right track. Without a trip to my body's drug dispensary for dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, or oxytocin.

Leela is a metaphor. I know Leela is a metaphor, a story I have to tell myself because my thinking self can't handle the truth. The fundamental truth is nondualism: there's no such thing as separation because we are all in fact one. But I can't see that because my seeing, my grasping of the world is limited by my thinking. In my conceptual world, the world where science truly is the best authority, I see all the separate things but I can't see the unity because of the inherent limitations of thinking. Language and thinking are the tools we've used to create human culture in all its glory and misery. We need those tools to find out about the spiritual quest, to find our way to the threshold. But they can't help us make progress with love. On that level, thinking itself is a barrier. The story of Leela is a way of grasping my personal discovery that the world is loving on some profoundly incomprehensible level. Not as a loving deity who guarantees my salvation if I toe some basic lines of faith or conduct. That is clearly a crock of shit. But loving as a challenge: Leela's challenge is that I can make this all work for me if I surrender to the needs and wisdom I find in my own body, starting with the obvious things we all know we should do to be healthier. And then work as hard as hell, harder than I've ever worked on anything, following my longing.

Thinking is unreliable when it comes to making progress with love. That's because getting quiet inside is the all-important key to making real progress. Yes, I made progress before that moment, but it was glacially slow haphazard progress. Finding quiet inside, a breath of freedom from my endless mental chatter made real progress begin to be possible. Thinking is both an absolute requirement for being human and a slough of self deception most people never escape, as far as I can see. It's our double edged sword. I have to get over myself before I can make serious progress. I have to question everything I have ever thought. If I blindly trust my own opinions and values, my well thought out and irreproachable liberal world view, I'm a goner as far as any progress with love is concerned. Luckily I have a genuinely irreproachable source of guidance and truth: my body. I can ask my body what's good for me, what's the right thing to do to make progress. If I listen intently, doing my very best to ignore all my preconceptions about good and evil, about what's right and what's wrong, about justice and other mental projections, my body will answer truthfully. No matter where I am in my spiritual quest, the very first step in making more progress is to set aside everything I think I know and open myself to new truth. That includes things that were helpful in making progress this far. My understanding of how things really are continues to evolve as I do. The world is far richer, deeper, and so much stranger than I thought it was before. Heaven is not what anyone thinks it is. It is literally unthinkable.

Remedial work. Before I began getting guidance directly from Leela in 2006 I tried to guide my own spiritual quest mentally, using bogus guidance from teachers like TH and the I Ching. Needless to say, I made a complete hash of it. Human teachers and books are lousy sources. They offer little or no help for making progress. The only thing worse is thinking. My feeble attempts to mastermind my own spiritual growth were laughably inept. There is no mastery in the mind. Thinking was a trap I had to escape from before I could learn to use it well under Leela's firm control. From 2006 to 2020 my work with Leela was all remedial: curing the damage done by my bad habits and choices. I had to lose weight, get a divorce, start a new life full of dancing, fall in love a few times, and finally the big ones: stop drinking then root out the drug-dependent mindset so deeply rooted in me. I came in with a drug-dependent mindset. I had done all that by the end of 2019, then the pandemic hit. One more remedial step was needed: I had to root out the household mindset that got drummed into me in Boulder and find a home of my own. That one went so deep I had to become homeless before I could find my way out of it.