Table of Contents

Homeless

The universe will take care of me. I became homeless for a brief period in 2021. It was a mistake I needed to make, an opportunity to overcome some particularly deluded magical thinking I talked myself into. I couldn't stay in the house I'd been renting a room in for ten years. The owner was planning to sell and move to something smaller. I had to move out by the end of January. Spicing the stew, my car battery had died and I had a flat tire from a slow leak because I didn't drive my car during 2020. I could walk to the store for groceries and I had nowhere else to go in the pandemic. I dreaded moving out. The rent had been very cheap. I knew I'd never find another deal like that. Leela used my stinginess to teach me a crucial lesson. She helped me concoct an elaborate fantasy incorporating elements from the inner work I'd been doing. In the fantasy my upcoming move out deadline was a test of my willingness to surrender. To pass the test I had to stand strong and trust, steadfastly refusing to take any step toward finding a new place to live. I couldn't even get my car fixed. Someone would swoop in to rescue me, fixing my car and giving me a place to live. This fantasy fails the due diligence test. Leela gives me uncannily good guidance via muscle testing and body sensing but I have to do my due diligence: use my conscious gifts as well as I possibly can to address whatever's in front of me. Here that would have meant finding a place to move into, duh. But I had a couple of deep prejudices I needed to overcome: I thought that living in a household was good, and living alone was bad. I also thought I needed to leave my savings untouched so I wouldn't run out of money. In retrospect my fantasy is way too much like winning the lottery. Leela helped me befuddle myself so I wouldn't just solve my housing crisis, I'd get to confront and overcome those prejudices along the way. It was an unparalleled opportunity for making progress.

Hypothermia. Despite mounting pressure from the landlord and intense anxiety, I stood my ground. Deluded as I was, the inner work of standing up to my own anxiety and just bearing it was of immense value. The end of January came. I begged for a few more days. The landlord needed me out. I squatted in his house the first three nights of February. The landlord finally locked me out and I withdrew to my car. After two miserable nights in my car, part of the fantasy came true. A friend paid to have my car fixed. But I still had nowhere to go. I knew I couldn't handle another night in my car. The first night I had to get up in the wee hours and go out into the cold drizzle and walk fast for half an hour to pull myself out of hypothermia. The second night I had to do that twice. My legs were beginning to get damaged by the cold, damage that would take weeks to heal once I got back into a warm place. I gave up hope and drove to a cheap motel to spend the night.

Alone. That cheap motel felt like heaven after being homeless. But I still wasn't out of the water. I was still suffering from magical thinking. I didn't know what to do next. I stayed in the cheap motel for six nights. Over that time I rounded the bend from living in a fantasy to doing what I needed to do for myself. I found an apartment and moved in. Living alone, which I had so dreaded, is fabulous. It's exactly what I need. One core lesson among several: voluntary homelessness is an abdication of privilege. It was a bone chilling lesson in more ways than one.

History. My adventure in homelessness started years before. Leela sees all the possible outcomes from 5-space, a perspective outside time. If I let myself be guided, Leela will lead me down the paths of mercy and righteousness to the best possible outcome, the one that results in the most love. I left my failed marriage in 2008. A little over a year later I was laid off the job I'd worked for ten years. I freaked out, but when I calmed back down I had a plan: to live frugally. I had a small regular income from Waltz etcetera. I learned to live within those means. I got very good at living well off a little bit of money. Not much at all by US standards. It was a wonderful lesson. I gained a lot of wisdom.

Pretty much everything he said. A few minor variations. But it made me develop an unhealthy relationship with money. I took care not to dip into my savings, and my savings became a sacred cow. I unconsciously believed my savings were like blood I couldn't afford to spill. Since I started doing what I needed to do for myself I've been spending money. I finally took Leela's guidance to heart: the money will be there.

A hundred. There's a teaching in many traditions that if I take one step toward god, god takes a hundred toward me. The one step I had to take was to find a place to live. The thing I'd been steadfastly refusing to do. With Leela's blessing. Leela's like that sometimes. Making me make just the right mistake so I can get the wisdom I need. Being homeless for two nights gave me a treasure beyond compare. It made me learn about homelessness and privilege down deep in my guts. It's a lesson that can't be learned without being homeless. It can't be learned experimentally and it can't be faked. I had to be genuinely homeless for a moment. I had to be able to see the look of disgust in a former friend's face before I got it. Since I took that step my life has been richly blessed. I'm in a new home, my own home.