Table of Contents


Pleasure of life. The deep subtle pleasure of life springs from playfulness, Leela's home ground. If I live my life playfully I don't hold onto anything too tightly; I don't take anything too seriously. Especially things I think. Pleasure can't compete with mental projections: doubt, smugness, religion, politics, tribalism, fear, insecurity, philosophy, causes, comparison. Those are all mentally created garbage I project on the world. None of it exists, it's just crap I project. I hold all that toxic garbage close as if it were precious. It's not. It's poison. Strong opinions are poison. Holding firm to any position is poison. Anything I feel righteous about is poison. The world is constantly changing. Fixed opinions and positions are poison. I need to grasp the world fluidly, ready to change my understanding about anything at any moment because the world is fluid. Instead I ignore anything that doesn't fit with my set opinions or positions. I wrap myself in ignorance and feel smugly superior. I have to let go of all that and just see what's out there. I have to be willing to learn about it anew every day. Secondhand sources like media are no good for that. I need to learn from the world itself, starting with my own body.

Crude buzzes. When I get quiet inside I can feel the profound pleasure of being alive. It's a subtle oceanic sense of well being. As an air breather I have the good fortune to live on the bottom of the planet's largest and most magnificent ocean, the ocean of air. I am a tiny dot crawling across the incredibly diverse juncture of air and planet. The ocean bottom is where all the action is, whether the bottom's land or sea. I went without the pleasure of life for over 50 years. Booze and cannabis drowned it out. Recreational drugs are hooligans. They're yahoos. Their crude buzzes and highs are noisy compared to the pleasure of life. The subtle pleasure of simply being alive can't be heard at all when I'm systematically poisoning myself. Even the fleeting sweet initial buzz of the first few sips of wine or beer I used to love so much is laughably crude compared to the pleasure of life.

Bodily pleasure. Ever since I gave up drugs the simple pleasures of my body have become deeper. Ordinary body functions like stretching, yawning, pissing and shitting are deeply pleasurable. Solo dancing has opened my senses to new movement possibilities I'm now beginning to explore in partner dancing. Eating is delightful, literally. I'm filled with delight at the profound pleasure I find in simple foods cooked just right, with minimal seasonings. Just lying in my bed at night I feel my body gently tingling, suffused with energy. In all of this, the steadily growing quiet inside is the core, the source. That's Leela singing to me, singing her silent song that all of this is.

Melancholy. I take deep pleasure in the world as it is. I don't require it to be different, to meet some standard. Sadness is an inescapable quality of the world. The video On the Nature of Daylight is a heartrending masterpiece of contemporary art, combining Max Richter's inspired music with a wordless story about sadness. I've heard melancholy is the enjoyment of sadness. Maybe I'm melancholy. But I'm certainly not sad. Sadness is debilitating. I'm energized, tingling, alive, awake.