What is wisdom? The word wisdom points to truth, the unnameable. How wise I am is I how well I know what's true for me in particular. There are no general truths. Truth is specific to the person it's true for. That's what's wrong with religions and other ideologies: they pretend to generalize truth. It doesn't work that way. I gain wisdom when I pay attention. Paying attention enables me to extract the wisdom from my experience. Every moment of my experience has wisdom I can gain. The only way I can change my life is by making progress with love. I make progress every time I pay attention. Every time I'm present and silent, free of mental noise. I make no progress when I'm absent, sleepwalking through my life. Paying attention makes me a wiser person as I make progress with love. Any progress I make adds to my wisdom. My wisdom is who I really am. Until I gain wisdom I'm no one. Just another sleepwalker.
Love is infinite and all-knowing, persistent like gravity. My wisdom is love itself. I find my way to my wisdom via muscle testing and body sensing. Muscle testing is easy: strong or weak, yes or no. But easy answers aren't always the best kind. Everything about making progress with love is complex and richly nuanced. Body sensing answers are just like that: complex and richly nuanced. Body sensing answers are always bewilderingly complex if I'm paying attention. I've got an answer but I don't know what it means. The best way to be guided by my wisdom is to work back and forth between the two. I do need the simple answer: don't eat that. The simple answer saves my ass but doesn't deepen wisdom. Grappling with body sensing answers forces me to gain a little wordless wisdom as I figure out dinner. Wisdom is always wordless; it can't be reduced to words. That's because wisdom is the truth. My wisdom is the truth about everything, from my point of view. My wisdom is love itself, the foundation of the spiritual quest.
Lifesaver. As I taught myself muscle testing and body sensing, I began to experience some of the ways my wisdom guided me in areas that had nothing to do with my body. For instance my wisdom would have me buy something or do something that made no sense to me. Why would I ever need that? What's the point of doing that? Then later, maybe years later, that would be the way to avert a catastrophe, a lifesaver. If I hadn't bought that or done that I'd be in big trouble right now. Or it would be the key unlocking some wonderful new opportunity.
Grappling with koans. I wanted to know more about all this. How could it be? My wisdom wouldn't answer questions about wisdom. Instead I got koans: nonsensical statements for me to ponder and grapple with. In the course of grappling with many koans over the years, the truth about wisdom slowly emerged. Partly it's a matter of just putting in the time. I'm a slow learner but I learn extraordinarily well. I've gained wisdom from everything I've experienced over a limitless number of lifetimes. I have had limitless amounts of experience, and I pay attention: my experience becomes wisdom. My experience becomes part of me. So if I'm struggling with something gone wrong in my car or my computer, I get nudges about what to try, what to avoid doing that come from some life when I did that for a living.
Time. But the other part is even stranger: my wisdom can see through time. Wisdom knows what's going to happen, so it can have me do something today that will be useful down the road. This brings up all kinds gnarly knots in me about free will vs. determination, ex-philosophy student that I am. My wisdom's reply is that's irrelevant; you don't understand, you can't understand. Nothing in 4-space can begin to grasp what 5-space is about, because grasping is 4-space. Everything mental is 4-space. Everything that exists is also 4-space. Wisdom doesn't exist in the same way that love doesn't exist, or meaning. Things in 5-space can't be measured or defined. There's no substance to them, no existence as we know it. My wisdom does not exist, but it can help me just the same.
Connection. My wisdom is my connection with everything that exists: all of time and space, the universe, all of this. Wisdom is my particular, specific connection with everything, universal and individual at the same time. My wisdom is much bigger than I am in this one little life: my wisdom is the ocean; I am a little fish. This is the story of how I reconnected with my wisdom. I was connected with wisdom as a child until I got disconnected by drugs.
How it all began. It began in February 2006. I had been feeling especially muddled, really miserable. I had no motivation to do anything. It seemed like only god could help me, and for me god meant meditation. Other versions of god seemed like delusions, make-believe magical beings, wishful thinking. Meditation I can relate to; it's simply hard work, no wishful thinking about it.
My wisdom speaks. I was thinking the solution to my muddle was a new meditation teacher or group when suddenly my insides said NO. YOU KNOW ENOUGH. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN MEDITATION. My insides said is a figure of speech. I was not hearing a voice. There were no words. Describing what happened as a voice inside me is as close as I can get to saying a nonverbal thing verbally. Words can't touch this; words don't apply. That nonverbal thing was my wisdom speaking. I did not know what it was, but it sure felt like I better do what it said. I felt better. There was a ray of hope. Something clear and unambiguous inside me had just spoken. I sat there pondering what I already did know about meditation, and what shone brightest was the clue my wisdom had given me decades before in Tallahassee: the subtle pleasure of breathing. That felt like the right starting point. I got that clue on my own, with only my wisdom's help, not some teacher, by cobbling together insights gleaned from kriya yoga and taoist magic. But following that clue had always been iffy. It was playing with fire, and I didn't want to get burned. I wanted more guidance, specific guidance.
Ed Long. In Boulder I saw TH use muscle testing for getting spiritual guidance. He did it by muscle testing his own finger. I tried doing that but it never worked; I got contradictory results. Feeling badly out of balance I made an appointment with Ed Long, a Seattle dance teacher and healer. I hoped Ed could get me back in whack and teach me more muscle testing. He did a full Touch for Health testing/balancing, strengthening the weaknesses he found. After the session I told him about my self-testing struggle. Ed suggested I try a particular self-test I'd read about but never used. He showed it to me hands-on. I tried it out and it seemed to work.
Success. I started testing myself a lot. There was no contradiction; if I could be clear and focused on what I was asking, I got an unambiguous yes or no.
I was finally in touch with my own wisdom, the voice inside that had been so clear and emphatic. I couldn't access it before because it hadn't yet spoken up, hadn't made itself known to me. Once my wisdom spoke I had to do my part. I had to take my one step toward wisdom. I did that by finding Ed Long and getting his help with self testing, then practicing what he'd taught me diligently. That one step didn't occur in a vacuum. It relied on a lifetime of stubbornly persistent spiritual seeking. I may have gotten derailed by drugs but I never stopped seeking. My seeking led me to Boulder, where I learned the basics of muscle testing and body sensing. I needed all of that, fifty-five years of seeking to be ready to take my one step. I could now get clear guidance about what was right for my spiritual progress and what to avoid. Over the years since then, my ability to test myself has steadily deepened. There's always more progress to be made; there's no shortage of headroom.
Body sensing. I also use another technique TH taught us: body sensing. This is a meditation-like technique of focusing all my attention on the feelings and sensations in my body. If I ask a question while body sensing, I get a response that's rich and nuanced, not a mere yes or no.
Declaration. To reach my wisdom I had to declare my independence from all external authorities: teachers, systems, and books. I particularly needed to free myself from the shadow of TH's authority, which I still carried around like a mental curse, decades after I set myself free of him physically. Once I declared my independence I could contact my own inner authority via muscle testing or body sensing. I couldn't do either as long as I felt I owed allegiance to external authority.
Universal. This is what I mean by my wisdom: my personal connection with the universal. It's independent of what I think or imagine, which is easily manipulated by outside influences. My wisdom is untouched by any of that.