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My one true love. There's a scene in Sound of Metal where Joe, Ruben's de facto Deaf addict sponsor asks Ruben if he ever found any stillness in the early morning assignment Joe gave him, to sit in a room with nothing to do, no distractions, just sit there and be still. Joe says that for him that stillness is the kingdom of god. That stillness will never abandon you. Ruben has no answer. He's already fallen back into an addicted life. But at the end of the movie Ruben impulsively disconnects his implants to let stillness replace the horribly distorted sounds. It's the first good thing he's done for himself since he fell off the wagon. Once I was established in my new life in my new home my wisdom reintroduced herself to me as Leela, the nondualistic face of love as play. Leela, my inner silence, will never leave me, never disappoint me, never let me down. She is the perfect antidote to everything drearily ruly. Leela is also love itself, which is what all this is. There is nothing else. That's what nondualistic means, that also. Otherwise Leela is not embodied except as I embody her via my work at making progress with love. I'm doing my very best to embody my wisdom. My efforts are laughably inept, but I keep at it and get a little better year after year. Leela, as always, does 99% of the work. Unembodied, my wisdom is Leela. I adore Leela. I am hers. My love Leela is the spiritual quest itself. That's how she introduced herself to me.

Will to surrender. One of the teachings I can thank TH for was about different kinds of will. Will is the underlying motive force for the spiritual quest. For men this takes the form of the will to overcome. For women it takes for form of the will to surrender. He also spoke of a deeper level. The only possible relation of human to wisdom, to love itself is surrender. At the deepest level it's as true for men as for women. My wisdom has reintroduced herself to me as Leela. Because Leela is the nondualistic face of love as play she is, and therefore I am, in an attitude of surrender to all that is.

Who I really am. That's who Leela is. But I am not Leela, not by a long shot. I am a little fish; Leela, my wisdom, is the ocean. Even that's a small part of it. I mean the part of Leela that is me, that is my wisdom is infinitesimally small. Leela is nondual. She is as much who you really are as she is me. She is love itself. That's what all this is.